The Patterns Protecting You May Be the Ones Keeping You Stuck

Sometimes the behaviour we most want to change is the behaviour that once knew exactly how to protect us.

Avoidance. Perfectionism. Shutting down. Staying quiet. Keeping people at a distance. Reaching for a familiar coping mechanism. Resisting change even when we know something needs to change.

From the outside, these patterns can look irrational. We may even become frustrated with ourselves for continuing to repeat them.

But what if the more useful question isn't simply, “Why do I keep doing this?”

0What if it's, “What was this trying to do for me?”

That distinction emerged during my conversation with hypnotherapist Ethan Reisboard on The Audacious Living Podcast. Ethan described how behaviours and responses can develop around experiences from our past. At one point, they may have served a genuine purpose. The problem comes when the circumstances change but the pattern stays.

Why This Topic Matters

It's easy to judge ourselves by looking at today's behaviour without considering yesterday's circumstances.

A response that seems limiting now may have made perfect sense when it developed.

Ethan explained it this way:

“And that's that's a really big part of healing. There's something called internal family system or parts therapy, um, which is identifying that there are behaviors and responses within us that, you know, we call them, a part of us that were built based on something specific, based on our childhood, based on our trauma, and at one point in our life we needed that specific behavior to survive, more often than not, you then grow up and that behavior continues, or that behavior expands into other aspects of your life, and then it becomes limiting, right? Then it no longer serves you.”

That's an important distinction.

A pattern can make sense and still need to change.

We don't have to condemn the person we were in order to become the person we're trying to be.

Understanding why something developed isn't the same as giving it permanent control.

Protection and Growth Don't Always Want the Same Thing

Earlier in our conversation, Ethan described the subconscious in terms of repetition and predictability.

If something has happened before and we've survived it, repeating that pattern can feel safer than stepping into something unfamiliar.

There's a strange tension there.

Growth asks us to move.

Protection often asks us to stay with what we know.

That helps explain why knowing what we should do isn't always enough to make us do it.

We can understand logically that a relationship, habit, belief or behaviour is no longer helping us and still feel an enormous pull toward what is familiar.

Ethan illustrated this through smoking. Someone may consciously understand the health consequences of cigarettes while having a completely different association operating beneath that logic. If smoking became connected to relief during stressful moments, removing the cigarette can feel like removing the protection rather than removing the problem.

That doesn't mean the behaviour should continue.

It means meaningful change may require understanding the job the behaviour was performing.

Instead of asking only, “How do I stop this?” another question becomes available:

“What do I need now that this behaviour used to provide?”

Honouring a Pattern Doesn't Mean Obeying It

One of the words that stood out during my conversation with Ethan was honouring.

We can honour the fact that a response developed for a reason without allowing it to determine what happens next.

That creates an important middle ground.

We don't have to shame ourselves for feeling what we feel.

We also don't have to treat every feeling as an instruction.

Ethan put it in practical terms when discussing thoughts and emotions: we may not control every initial thought or feeling that appears, but we can begin asking how much control we're willing to give it over our lives.

That's where compassion and responsibility can exist together.

You can acknowledge:

“This helped me once.”

And still decide:

“I don't need it to lead me anymore.”

That's very different from fighting with ourselves.

Sometimes change doesn't begin with rejection. It begins with understanding.

When Yesterday's Safety Becomes Today's Limitation

During the conversation, I shared a simple example from my own childhood.

Growing up, I had Sunday shoes.

Those shoes were for church. My mother didn't want me destroying them by wearing them to school or everywhere else, so there was a rule attached to them: Sunday shoes were worn on Sunday.

At that point in my life, the rule made perfect sense.

Years later, the circumstances were different. I wasn't a child destroying my shoes anymore. There was no reason those same rules needed to follow me into adulthood.

It's a small example, but that's exactly what makes it useful.

How many rules are we still following because they once made sense?

Maybe the rule was:

Don't take the risk.

Don't trust too quickly.

Don't show weakness.

Don't speak up.

Keep everyone happy.

Stay where it's predictable.

Don't try unless you're certain you'll succeed.

At some point, those rules may have felt intelligent. They may even have protected us from something real.

The question isn't whether they once had value.

The question is whether they still do.

Change May Require Replacement, Not Just Removal

Another idea Ethan raised is that eliminating a behaviour without addressing what it was doing can leave a gap.

If something became a coping mechanism for stress, simply removing it doesn't remove the stress.

Something still has to happen when the stress arrives.

That principle extends well beyond addiction.

If avoidance helped us escape uncomfortable feelings, what replaces avoidance?

If perfectionism helped us feel worthy, what happens when we allow ourselves to produce something imperfect?

If staying quiet helped us avoid rejection, what internal support do we need when we begin speaking up?

If controlling everything helped us feel safe, what helps us tolerate uncertainty when control isn't possible?

This is where growth becomes more than deciding what we don't want.

We also have to build what comes next.

Ethan described this as creating more sustainable responses. Rather than simply eliminating a behaviour, the work involves developing another way of meeting the underlying need.

That changes the question again.

Not simply:

“What do I need to stop doing?”

But:

“What do I need to learn, practise or build so I no longer need this pattern to protect me?”

The Goal Isn't to Erase the Past

There's a temptation when we talk about personal growth to divide ourselves into old and new.

Old me was wrong.

New me has figured it out.

Real life is rarely that clean.

Some of the things we're trying to change may exist precisely because an earlier version of us was doing the best it could with the information, experiences and resources available at the time.

Growth doesn't require us to disrespect that person.

It asks us to update the strategy.

Ethan described the importance of identifying what is truly safe and what is truly dangerous. That distinction matters because sometimes our present circumstances change before our internal response catches up.

The alarm can keep ringing after the danger has passed.

At that point, the work isn't pretending there was never a fire.

It's recognizing that we don't have to spend the rest of our lives responding to the alarm.

Lessons for Living Audaciously

Living audaciously isn't always about making the biggest move.

Sometimes it's having the courage to question something that has quietly been running your life for years.

Why do I respond this way?

What am I protecting?

What did this pattern once provide?

Does it still serve me?

What might I need instead?

Those aren't necessarily comfortable questions.

They can require us to look at behaviours we would rather criticize and approach them with curiosity instead.

That's not weakness.

There is courage in understanding ourselves without automatically excusing ourselves.

There is courage in honouring where something came from while recognizing that where it came from does not have to determine where we're going.

Maybe the pattern wasn't a mistake.

Maybe it did its job.

And maybe one of the most audacious things we can do is thank it for protecting who we were while deciding it no longer gets to control who we're becoming.

Listen to my full conversation with Ethan Reisboard on The Audacious Living Podcast, and explore more Audacious Insights for ideas that challenge the way we think about courage, growth and living intentionally.

If this reflection made you think about one of your own patterns differently, share it with someone who might find value in the conversation too.